Little Drops of Poison

Just a little humor column to darken your day.

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July 03, 2003
 
Dear fucko,
I just wrote a joke
3 Nuns were lost in The Big City, so they decided to stop and ask for directions. One of the nuns decided to go into the first house they saw and ask. As soon as she was inside the first house, the other 2 nuns quickly realized that they had inadvertantly stopped at a whore house. After a minute of vigorous praying and trying to build up the courage to go in and rescue her, the first nun emerged from the door with a $50 bill in her hand. The other 2 nuns were astonished! "Oh no, sisters, it's not what you think," assured the nun. "I just sold a little crack!"

April 23, 2003
 
Dear faithful reader (me)
In your everlasting patience for me to return my attentions to Poison, I have begun a few other projects, which I will fill you in on, in case you care at all.
1) The book. Well, it’s coming along, though at a constant rate of deceleration, which is not to say it will not get done, just that I’m putting more time into it than I was at first. Here’s a sample:
25. People – You see them all over the place. They walk around, they ask lots of stupid questions like, “Are you sleeping?” and they spill oil in the ocean. The smartest ones invent fanciful devices that could kill the whole lot of them at once. The less intelligent just go about stabbing each other. Of course they don’t enjoy all the violence they create, so they start wars to preserve the peace. Then they get bored with peace and they start riots when their local sports teams lose.
Well, it isn’t my best one, but I’m not giving you my “A” material for free.
2) Cancer. Hmm, this project is a little more secretive, so I can’t give away too many details. Just know that it will be a new website project which will hopefully pay for itself.
3) My graduation speech. If you don’t already know, I’m getting my associates degree which isn’t the most amazing accomplishment ever, but is certainly a good excuse for a party, which in turn is a good excuse for a drunken speech. For a one time event it is something I really want to put some good effort into and make perfect. I plan to film this event.
4) Fear: A Self-Help Movie. Search back through the archives and find my Fear article. This is going to be made into a self-help video. My actors are flying up in just a couple of weeks, and we’ll begin shooting immediately. If I ever figure out how to convert the movie to a file, I’ll host it for downloading.
As you can see, I’m creatively very occupied, but once all these projects are complete I’ll be back to make your miserable lives slightly more miserable. Until then, remember not to scratch because those things leave scars.


March 06, 2003
 
Our office was hosting a legal course, quite a while back. I was put in charge of the coffee and snack table.
I was told to have coffee ready by the start time of 8 o’clock, so on the first day I turned on the machine at 7:30. Because I’m a paralegal and not a professional caterer I had no idea that a 30 cup percolator would take a long time to finish brewing. The coffee was not ready on time the first day. I was publicly chided for my worthlessness.
On the 2nd day, knowing how long it now takes to make the coffee, I came in exceptionally early and had the coffee ready by about 10 minutes to 8:00. Unfortunately some people decided to show up 30 minutes early and the coffee wasn’t ready for them. My lack of psychic powers again got me publicly chided. Having the coffee ready on time wasn’t good enough. I am a terrible caterer.
This is why I’m not reenlisting.
(Fear not, the article is not degrading into this ranting drivel. I'm posting to keep the board from stopping completely. More reenlistment tales to come)

March 05, 2003
 
I have been given a very immense task in my office, the reorganization of about 100 years worth of legal files. This involves cataloging every single piece of paper in every single file we have. My present estimate is 6 months. When first asked about the project I estimated 6 weeks, because I didn't realize the scale of what I was doing. This whole thing is my fault.
We were inspected recently and because we don't have proper labels on all of our files, we were told that we would be inspected again in a few months. Labels, people.
This is separate from my cataloging mission.
Today I was told, because I initially projected 6 weeks and 2 weeks have passed I need to show some progress to the big decision maker.
Meanwhile I'm taking a lunchtime college course. This costs me 45 minutes, 3 days a week, and to make up for it I've been coming in one hour early, 5 days a week (Mainly because I have this big mission I'm working on, nobody told me to give this extra time). The big decision maker did not want to approve the class, but finally conceded.
So to "show progress" I was ordered to stop cataloging, and complete the label mission. The label mission should be the last 2 days of work 6 months from now when the cataloging is done, but because it is the most visible part of what I am doing, I was told to do it now to make it appear as if I met my 6 week deadline. The big decision maker demands results!
What I'm telling you is I was told to stop doing my job to convince someone that I'm doing my job so I don't get in trouble for neglecting my job because I took a college course that gave the office about 3 extra hours of my time per week.
This is why I'm not reenlisting.

January 28, 2003
 
The Tragic Neglect

I have neglected a Drops of Poison entirely these last couple weeks because I have begun a much larger project. This came after a friend of mine had her first book published. I looked at the book and said, “What is this crap!? I can do better than this!” But I’ve been writing in dabs and dabbles fairly constantly over the last ten years and here I am without a god damn thing to show for it except for this stupid fucking blog service and 1 faithful fan. You are not this fan. Ten years and suddenly someone who’s only been at it 5 times longer than me shows me up. So I’ve begun writing a book called The Pure Hatred based upon my ever popular article where I take 3 random objects and concepts and explain in detail why they suck so bad.
The first 12 or so are the ones I’ve already chalked up for Poison. I’ve more than doubled that already with a goal of 101. My intended completion date is June 1, 2003. I’ve hit my first wall, but a week or two and maybe and a bleeding ulcer will fix me right up.
The point is I feel a little bad (not really, don’t believe it) about ignoring your Poison needs, so I will slap something together right now, though it won’t be funny or entertaining.

The Lost Pope Doo-Wah

Electing a Pope is an important decision, and to be sure you aren’t getting screwed, here are some common factors to judge your pope by. And let’s not forget, the bible even says "Judge everyone. God does, and you should too"
1. Height. Only tall people make good popes. As we all remember Joe Pesci was a terrible pope. (Great actor though, loved him in the movie about the taxi driver that became a pirate)
2. Comic-book like super powers. If the pope can’t shoot lasers from his eyes to stop a giant monster from destroying the Vatican, then what good is he, really?
3. Omniscience. Of course this is hard to judge, because someone can claim to know everything, maybe even legitimately believe they know everything, but if there is something they didn’t know, how would they know?
4. Brand of soft drink they endorse.
5. Odds of winning according to Vegas. Those guys in Vegas are never wrong!
6. Skin color. Of course, I'm not talking about race, rather jaundice. Good popes have jaundice.
7. Lingo. An effective pope will employ certain key words and phrases such as "Sweet Jesus" and "Holy Crap" to convey religious devotion.
8. Flow. Gotta have Flow.
9. Wrist strength. It is vital for the pope to have a powerful dismissive wave. Also must use the dismissive grunt "Bah!" well.
10. Culinary talent. Failing at all other tasks, it's important to be able to say "He was a god-awful pope, but hooo-weee he sure could fry an egg!"


January 10, 2003
 
The Blog

Given that I’m using a blog service to publish Little Drops of Poison, I was just wondering what an actual journal entry for Chuck would look like.

Dude! I totally posted this article the other day where I totally trashed water man! Fucking water! Who does that? Nobody.
So I had to drive to this place with some chick to look at broken stuff, and I was all like “Make me a sandwich!” and she was all like, “Ok, can I buy you one?” And I was all like, “Damn straight”
Then I was at home and there was this show about some dude who got killed in a kitchen. I said, “Who ever gets killed in a kitchen? Nobody.” Only I was thinking, Man, what if the dude came back as a zombie and then cooked the dude that killed him. ROCK ON, ZOMBIE!
I’ve got a new idea for a tattoo: I want a picture of Natalie Portman getting a tattoo of me. I could never get a tat of her though, I’d be all kissing it and licking it until it rubbed off.
My aunt and uncle are on the run from the law. Dude was embezzling from his company or something and then when the FBI shows all up at his house, BLAM! He’s not even there. I think he’s a hero.


January 09, 2003
 
The Pure Hatred

Water – According to the fact books, our bodies contain 90% water, making humans little more than highly evolved sponges with ugly faces. We need water to survive, but water can also kill us in a variety of ways. It can drown us, freeze us, burn us, electrocute us, and even drinking too much can be fatal. The water is host to many of our recreational activities, which exposes us to even more dangers. The oceans are swarming with creatures that can poison us, skewer us, or rip apart our frail little bodies in 3 seconds flat. We also have floods and droughts and hurricanes and tidal waves to fear. The general pollution and poisons we flush each day seep into our reservoirs and give us cancer. Water is a key tool in many forms of interrogative torture. Water is the cause of at least 90% of all geological erosion. Need I continue?

Beauty – This arbitrary and subjective rating system is a source of limitless evil. Society decides what is beautiful and then demands it. If your face is not symmetrical or your clothes are the wrong color, you are a failure. These worthless and superficial values are constantly changing, and the people that strive for these psychologically impossible standards often squander their money and lives to maintain an appearance that is barely less than hideous. Younger people, under relentless social pressures, often develop eating disorders or commit suicide. The few who do manage to obtain beauty often flock together, creating a subculture of models and actors who, given nothing to complain about, resort to massive drug use, overdose, and die.

Spoons – The most boring of utensils known to man. Unlike a fork or knife, the spoon has no value as a weapon, except for maybe flinging small, non-lethal projectiles. Designed to perform a function that our hands our nearly incapable of, eating foods of a more liquid consistency, I am inclined to believe that if this were biologically necessary we would have evolved scoops at the end of our fingers. When presented with a food that society has deemed spoon worthy, I have developed an array of alternatives to include using a straw, slurping, or funneling the food directly into my throat. Also, spoons do absolutely nothing to prevent heart disease.


January 08, 2003
 
The Happiness

For the third in my series on emotions, I have decided to tackle happiness. Happiness is that droll emptiness we feel between miseries. It is, strangely, a state that most humans desire to dwell in nearly all the time.
There are a few telltale signs to find out if you are happy.
1. Involuntary contraction of cheek muscles, resulting in exposed teeth. Some people refer to this as ‘smiling’ but I use this expression to indicate my desire to bite something.
2. Prancing about, laughing, and singing. At first I had a hard time envisioning someone actually doing this, but then I imagined Satan skipping gaily along the backs of tortured sinners. Now that’s happiness!
3. Doing good deeds. Supposedly doing good deeds makes people happy, and happiness makes people want to do more good deeds. Like if you saw someone snatch a woman’s purse, and you chased them down and got the purse back, that good deed would make you feel really great. Then you’d keep the money and buy yourself a pie, thus boosting the economy. Another good deed!
These are not the only symptoms of happiness, but they are the only ones I had good jokes for, so that’s all you get. So let’s say you pull off a really good prank and you suddenly realize: I’m happy! You start enjoying the feeling, but you don’t know how to hold on to it. Well, that’s why I’m here folks! I want you to be happy. I want to know that I’ve made everyone out there feel just a little bit better. That’s why I now give to you Chuck’s Tips for Happiness.
- When things start to get tense, slap the person closest to you. It will make you feel better and it will keep that person from panicking.
- Add lots of sugar and salt to everything you eat. I don’t know why but this works.
- Get some money. Beg, borrow, steal, counterfeit, or win it in the lottery. You could work for it, but I highly recommend avoiding this method. Use the money to buy happiness.
- When someone comes to you bearing bad news you should fight that person until they admit that the news wasn’t true. Severely ignore evidence to the contrary. Plug your fingers in your ears and scream the chorus to the “Macarena” over and over.
- If you find yourself feeling a bit down, you should stop whatever you’re doing immediately. If you’re driving, slam on the breaks and get out of the car. If you’re at work, stand right up and run out of the building, knocking people’s coffee out of their hands as you go. Run out into the open, hold your hands up to the sky and sing this song at the top of your lungs.
(Sung to Spoonful of Sugar from Mary Poppins)
You’ve been feeling quite crappy,
And you wish that you were happy.
You find some bleach and BLAM!
The problem's solved.
As it settles in your belly,
Your legs will turn to jelly.
You fall! Black out!
And now you know

That a...
Few drops of poison helps the misery subside,
The misery subsi-ide,
The misery subside.
Just a few drops of poison helps the misery subside,
In a most deadly way!

While driving home from work,
You were cut off by some jerk!
Why he nearly
Ran your Kia off the road!
So you sped up and gave chase,
You should have seen his face,
When you tossed that
Rabid badger in his car!

For a...
Few drops of poison helps the misery subside,
The misery subsi-ide,
The misery subside.
Just a few drops of poison helps the misery subside,
In a most deadly way!


January 07, 2003
 
The Movies
Chuck has seen none of the following films. He has plucked them from the IMDB listings and based solely on his psychic abilities (which rival the psychic powers of Australian actor and medium Paul Hogan) will review and criticize both plot and actors.
P.S. Your Cat is Dead – Steve Guttenburg is a god among actors. Rating - Steve

Catch Me if You Can – Leonardo Dicaprio plays a con artist who fakes his identity repeatedly in order to cash checks. It was only during post-production that anyone realized a real-life con artist who had only pretended to be Dicaprio (who was at the time filming Gangs of New York) had duped them. Rating - 3

Pinocchio – Just another remake of classic tale about the ugly little boy who needed plastic surgery and mugged some old puppeteer to get the money. Rating - 0.5

Maid in Manhattan – The story of a zealous young mouse who pretends to be a neurotic old man pretending to be a brash Scottish courier posing as a maid in a hotel pretending to be a beautiful rich woman in order to win the heart of a man. This movie was directed by someone named Wayne Wang which is reason alone to avoid this film. Rating – 7

Drumline – Despite the 40 billion dollar budget, this After-School Special style movie failed to convince me that being in a high school marching band is cool. Expect the sequel “The Chess Club: Hardcore” Rating - 1

Just Married – It’s a pretty standard romantic comedy shtick, a recently married young couple find strife and discord while on their honeymoon, and are almost on the verge of ending their marriage. Later, a gypsy casts a spell on them and they make up. Starring Gregory Peck as Saddam Hussein and Donald Sutherland as the young bride George W. Bush. Rating - None


December 13, 2002
 
The Anger (my love)

I think I may have an anger problem.
Here is an anger test:
1. Does everything make you angry all the time?
If you answered, “Yes, now stop bothering me you ass!” like I did, then you may have an anger problem too.
Anger is entirely natural. It’s our way of responding to stupid crap. Some people might try to tell you that too much anger can be bad for you. It can cause long-term health problems, and put stress on personal relationships. I loathe these people. I hope they get brain cancer and die.
Last week I taught you how to overcome fear, but I don’t believe that people should attempt to move past anger. This week I will show you how to develop your anger and overcome anger management.
1. Stop, take a breath, and count to ten – If you can count that high without losing your concentration, then you are not angry enough. Rehash other incidents in the past that made you angry, and try counting again.
2. Meditate – This is your best opportunity to really focus on your anger, and maybe even plot out your revenge.
3. Punch a pillow – Then suffocate someone with the pillow.
4. Talk to someone about the problem – It’s always good to have someone tell you how justified your anger is. If they don’t agree with you, tell the person to get brain cancer and die.
5. Just walk away from the problem – And then, when they aren’t expecting it, whirl back around with a sucker punch.
6. Remember, violence is not the answer – Unless you want to feel better. Once you see the source of your rage laying on the ground bleeding and comatose, you’ll see your anger just disappear.
Of course, though I am constantly angry, it usually manifests as a state of moderate annoyance as opposed to rabid monkey fury, which I reserve for special occasions.
“But Chuck!” you cry to the cold, dark night, “Nobody can be angry all the time!”
Shut up. It takes great focus to walk the path of anger. You must find the negative in everything. If it can’t be found, it must be made. Revel in your rage. Never accept anything as good enough. Bring out the anger in others. Blame your parents. Blame society. Disagree with everything. Point out mistakes. Point out shortcomings. Be disgusted. Be offended. Punish unfairly. Curse. Scowl. Yell. Fight. Take prisoners.
You don’t need friends. You don’t need happiness. You don’t need to care or dream or pray for peace. Curse your god. Spit on graves. Make babies cry.
Humans need misery. Peace is boring. People want wars, it gives them a purpose. I killed the Nazis! I killed the Koreans! I killed the Iraqis! I saved the world! Now my children can live in peace, but hopefully not for too long.
Why are you still reading this? There’s no point here. There’s no humor. No punchline. You thought you would find a resolution to all this, but that’s cause you’re an idiot.
Pissed? Now that’s funny.